Unfortunately, I’ve found that within a mere two weeks our campus will once again erupt in interracial violence between Humans and Zombies. The pedestrian paths will run gray with brains and Nerf darts will once again fly through the air, murdering innocent civilians. Few of the high-level Human or Zombie militants will actually die, and once again another war will erupt with no resolution or movement towards peace.
We all need to understand that the Human-Zombie Conflict has got to end, and the only way for that to happen is for the Humans to make some serious concessions, real ones. The Human leaders have continued to insist that they support a “two-school” solution in which humans and zombies each have their own university in which to live, study, and follow their own cultures, but the continued occupation of the only currently-existing UMass Amherst by Humans shows that they have no intention of ever really coming through on these promises.
Consider these facts. The Human soldiers carry and use orange-dart Nerf guns against Zombies, prohibited by University Residence Life Law. In every past Human-Zombie war they have mounted organized military “missions” aimed at starving the Zombies into extermination, and in two out of the three wars they used intervening divinities and biological weapons to commit genocide against the undead.
The Zombie population demands only justice: the end of the Human occupation, the remaking of UMass as a Zombie school, and the brains of all Humans at UMass. I cannot deny them these, as a matter of conscience. After all, Humans have oppressed Zombies for so long, throwing socks at them and teasing Zombies from cars.
Still, each semester the Humans declare yet another war against Zombies after only a tiny minority of Zombies bite Humans as a manifestation of their rights to resist occupation and to reproduce. Every semester the media display its bias by condemning the ensuing Zombie resistance against Human oppression. As an example of this pervasive slant, take the very phrase “human rights”. It contains a blithe, incredibly prejudiced bias: it implies that only Humans have rights. In a balanced, fair society we would call these “basic rights” to show that they apply to Human and Zombie alike. Enlightened people can see the phrasing for what it really is: racism. However, it appears that Humans maintain near-exclusive control over world affairs, with the boards of every major media company, financial institution, and RSO composed entirely of Humans, indicating a conspiracy on their part.
I interviewed Bob de Sable of the Bacterialized Resistance Against the Independence of Non-Zombies (“B.R.A.I.N.Z.”), and he explained that, “All we want to do is eat your brains.” When I explained how Humans require our brains to live, he emphasized the fact that, “No-one’s gonna eat your eyes.”
Bob demonstrated that, since zombies reproduce by biting a Human to infect them with a virus that reanimates their corpse as a Zombie, their population has always grown exponentially. Given these hard facts, to do anything other than turn UMass entirely over to Zombies constitutes an apartheid regime. No group has the right to independence when another local population reproduces much faster than them.
BRAINZ also demands that UMass divest from all manufacturers of anti-Zombie armaments such as the Hasbro (manufacturer of Nerf), Hanes clothing, and all producers of marshmallows. The Third-World Anti-war Team (“T.W.A.T.”) has concurred by stating that UMass must completely wash its hands of all involvement with all means of the Human offense. Who are we to question what the weak must do to survive the onslaught of the strong -- including but not limited to opening hostilities against Human soldiers, laying siege to buildings, and attacking in overwhelming numbers?
Bob then attempted bash my head open in order to “put this thing to bed”, but I managed to stun him with a sock. Afterwards, I realized that by not standing against Human terrorism, I had unwittingly joined in it. I hereby call upon all righteous UMass students and Amherst citizens to stand for the freedom of the Zombie people by gathering in a large open area to demonstrate for a real, just, sustainable peace at UMass -- preferably while too burdened with signs and pamphlets to run very quickly.
Jesse “You Don’t Mess with the Jesse” Punch of the Defenders of UMass from Frankensteinian Freaks (“D.U.F.F.”) could not be reached for comment.
Eli Gottlieb is a Morning Wood columnist. He can be reached at egottlie@student.umass.edu. Exercise caution when approaching in-person.
