Obama, race and a little dialogue

As race relations takes a giant step forward, here is what might have been a, shall we say, meeting of unlike minds.

Stephen Colbert: Tonight on my show, we have not one, but two, special guests. Here to explain why race is no longer a factor now that we have a black President, Strom Thurmond. Mr Thurmond will be presenting the “enlightened” view! On counterpoint, we have the Reverend Jesse Jackson on our show. I can’t wait to tell him that he’ll finally get to meet his long lost brother!

Jackson: Mr. Colbert.

Thurmond: Stephen.

Colbert: Gentlemen, welcome to the show. Now Thurmond, many thanks to you for coming on the show tonight. Let me ask you this, now that you have found your long lost relative, do you expect to walk arm and arm with him into this, so called, struggle for racial harmony?

Thurmond: I know it turned out that my relatives may have owned Mr. Jackson’s family but I’m not sure that an outside agitator such as Mr. Jackson would be any help at all. You know we would have integrated after Brown v Board but, I just had to lobby for segregation because we weren’t ready. And fortunately it seems that the struggle is now over. My efforts later on to bring about racial harmony are realized. Why are they still arguing?

Jackson: Let me interrupt you right there. I know, Mr. Thurmond...

Colbert: Umm, Mr. Jackson, why are you standing?

Jackson: Oh, sorry, force of habit. As I was saying.. I know, Mr. Thurmond, you believe that your state is well ahead in terms of race relations but Lord, let me get this straight: Are you actually, as God as your witness, arguing that race relations and racism are over? In your home state of South Carolina, in your own home state Mr. Thurmond, blacks make up over a quarter of the entire population and yet they own only 9.8 percent of the businesses. If racism is over, then we have
surely lost.

Thurmond: You have to understand that, as a proud Southerner, the good people of South Carolina try to educate you blacks so that you can do well and give something back to the communities from which you take so much. Surely there is the occasional racist but it isn’t really a problem anymore now is it? You’ve got a black President, what more do you people want... our flag?

Colbert: Now as you know, I don’t see race, so I can only assume that Mr. Obama is black because he says he’s black. He’s in the White House... well, he will be once they have the place fumigated, so racism is, for all intents and purposes, over. I’ve got to agree with the man from the south, like myself, a southern gentleman, Mr. Thurmond.

Jackson: Oh Lord, it is certainly not over! God says to ask my brothers and sisters why it is that so many people in states like Indiana, Kentucky and, yes God, South Carolina still spell negro with two r’s... when they can spell at all.

Thurmond: Don’t speak poorly of your betters boy. Regardless Mr. Jackson, weren’t you crying election night because, now that racism is over, you’re essentially unemployed? There ain’t no more work, nor need, for the pompous, uppity, civil rights activist.

Jackson: What?? Good God, are you crazy, man? I was crying because this country, God’s country, had made progress! Not because I’m out of a job! Are you senile?

Colbert: But isn’t the fact that you two are sitting here together undeniable evidence that racism is no more? Done? Kaput? Much like the future prospects of my beloved republican party?

Jackson: No sir. God knows we have crime problems. We have teen-age pregnancy problems. We have disparities between white and blacks all over this country. I have been astounded, yes absolutely astounded...

Colbert: Mr. Jackson, please sit down.

Jackson: Oh, um, sorry... where was I... yes astounded by the various white folk on television talking about how racism is over! That’s just what my black brothers and sisters need; another opportunity for the white man to talk about the black man’s future.

Thurmond: Is it time for you to apologize for those violent riots now?

Jackson: Apologize? As God as my witness, it is surely time that you apologized for years of oppression. For not protecting our children and letting racists kill those who protested against you.

Thurmond: Hold on now boy. During Vietnam I spoke up north at the University of Massachusetts and I thought, sincerely thought, that they were going to kill me. How can you defend that kind of violence? How is any different?

Jackson: (Quietly) I’m going to cut your f*&%ing nuts off.

Thurmond: I can’t hear so good boy, what did you say?

Jackson: You, sir, are talking down to me and my brothers and sisters. I’ve been sitting here listening to Mr. his-dad-owned-my-dad say I need to shut up. Racism is alive and well, not only in the South, but across this great country of ours! You sir, taught people to think that we shouldn’t drink from the same water fountain not so long ago. The fight is not over. We will still have to fight to gain education reform and career opportunity despite what you and those like you have to say. Yes, I’ll say it; People who say that racism is over are blind... but, unfortunately, they are not color blind.

Thurmond: Would you sit down. I’m getting a crick in my neck. Usually you’re a pain much lower.

Jackson: Mr. Thurmond, we are all God’s children. On the inside we are all the same color. And the color of your daughter is the same color as I Mr. Thurmond!

Thurmond: Oh God, I wish I were dead.

Thurmond’s triple digit age began to show as his face went even whiter. As he slumped further down into his chair, the audience could hear him mutter, “she made me feel powerful.” A small, cocky grin spread over Mr. Jackson’s face. The grin seemed to say, “We may not have reached the promise land yet, but we’ve finally gotten to the point where men like you realize what an embarrassment you are. That makes me proud to be an American. We’ll continue to work on the rest.”