Christmas Extravaganza! Christmas Day Live(ish) Blog!

3:19 - It's the early morning, and the man known as Santa is sure to have already infiltrated my household. I've heard many rumors about him:
-Wanted on 876 trillion counts of breaking and entering
-Allegedly making out with Michael Jackson's mother
-One count of reindeer-vehicular homicide
-Three counts of getting hurt on the job, thus providing a plot line for three Tim Allen movies

I've left cookies and a glass of milk in an attempt to appease the man, but a peaceful resolution seems unlikely. In association with NORAD, I've been tracking the man via top secret government procedures; however, by the time this reaches you, it may be too late.

However, I do not intend to go out a miserable wreck; rather, I intend to continue with my previous plan of playing video games for several hours. It has worked so far...

11:10 - The man known as Santa is attempting to win me over. Knowing that I have been constrained to my desktop computer in the past, the man offered me a laptop computer. Well, it's actually a netbook, but I can type on it while sitting on the can, which is not what is happening right now.

That's just not sanitary.

11:30 - On Demand is a wonderful thing.


My house does not have a fireplace, nor does it have a scenic river flowing in front of it. But, with Comcast's programming choices, my family chose to switch between a yule log and a rainy, snowy river in Yellowstone National Park.

Beats Sportscenter, I guess.

12:17 - James' post above me has stolen some of my thunder, but I shall carry on! It's just past noon now and I'm lying in wait for my family which will soon consume my household.

In years past, this epidemic known as relatives was directed at the household of my uncle; however, the burden has now been shifted to my house. I fear that I will not make it through the night.

6:49 - With six and a half hours coming between posts, I can pretty much go ahead and label this a complete failure. But, if you've spent time around relatives recently, you know that it's a cavernous vortex of your time. A half hour ago, I'm pretty sure it was 1:00 and my cousin had just come in door. He's looking over my shoulder as I type this - stop it Dan.

Note: he has already gone on the record as labeling himself as the "idiot cousin."

As of now, the Celtics are on (losing to the Lakers and an onslaught of "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" promos). Kevin James' career has hit a high note.

9:14 - In a broader perspective, this time of year has the most depressing stories of the year. Not only do people keep committing crimes at pretty much the same rate as the rest of the year (I have no idea if this is actually true, it just seems it is) but you also have the fact that it usually involves someone getting trampled in a shopping mall, getting their presents stolen, losing power for three weeks or, in this certain case, a man dressing up as Santa shooting six people to death.

Our culture has a tendency to treat this time of year as somewhat of an anomaly of usual human nature. There's an unspoken expectation that, because of the holidays (Christmas!), people are suddenly going to become decent and take the well-being of others into consideration, which would be an amazing accomplishment.

But, after spending five minutes driving or shopping during the past two days, it's plain to see that people suck this time of year as much as they normally do. They just want to get home.

Home, however, is the key word. It's not that people are going to go out of their way for complete strangers- this is America; but, looking in another perspective, people are acting like asses out there for the benefit of those close to them. They all want to get the right present, get to a party on time or just get back home in order to spread that mystical "Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Generic Agnostic Holiday spirit" to those around them.

So, to the guy who cuts you off in the parking lot, Merry Christmas... once I get home and out of this damn traffic.

Christmas Extravaganza! Christmas Eve Eve Eve Edition! Best. Thing. Ever.

Best. Thing. Ever.

Snowbeards:



Although not as cool as some actual beards, the snowbeard is a wondrous byproduct of the snow. Usually discovered after the partaking in the activities of sledding, snowball fighting, or diving into the snow for some reason, the acknowledgment of a snowbeard immediately makes up for any negative qualities of facial hair. Trust me, I'm an expert of this.

I mention this because the University of Massachusetts recently experienced its first major snowfall of the year. Because of this phenomenon, the school was forced to cancel the last day of finals and push it back to Saturday, where the conditions were even worse (but that's another story).

Regardless, the usual UMass shenanigans occurred. The numbers of trays in the DC's suddenly plummeted while students flocked to the slopes of the campus when they (read: me) should have been studying.

Of course, the flocking was severly limited since the majority of the student body had already gone home for winter breaks. But, that didn't stop many students from commandeering trays, cardboard, pizza trays, and what I could only describe as an inadequate sledding device at hitting Orchard Hill. Yes, the actual hill.

Now, a person who may or may not have been me may or may not have "discovered" a tray that may or may not have been "stolen" from the DC for his sled (I'd rather not have dining services send me a bill. They've done it before), lined it with bubble wrap and put it all together with duct tape. If I get the motivation to find a camera, I may put up a picture of it, because it's awesome.

As some of you may have heard, a Daily Collegian... reporter admitting to taking a handful of trivial items (I think they were tea bags and soemthign else) and was subsequently billed for his alleged thefts.

If you know me, or happened to read a certain column, you'd know my stance on stealing stuff from the DC. Everyone knows that students steal trays from the DCs, let's just acknowlege that right now.

So why fight it? Shouldn't the school just put out the trays so people can just go on their merry way? There should be some trays that aren't really suitable for food, but alright for your butt.

That, or the school should sell some sleds! The school's in a financial crisis, it's about time they cashed in on the snow cow. The only sled I've seen for sale around here was at Hastings, and that's in downtown Amherst. There should be a sled stand at the DC's, selling the things for five-to-10 bucks per pop.

It's either that, or people keep going down the hills on DC tray/bubble wrap/duct tape sleds.

-Nick O'Malley

Christmas Extravaganza! The most expensive drawing of a seven-legged spider you'll see today

Ok, I didn't think of anything Christmas related to put up today. But the extravaganza will continue under any circumstances!

This story is a little old, but is entertaining nontheless. Just roll with it, alright?

For your entertainment, I present to you a drawing of spider from one Mr. David Thorne, a revolutionary and pioneer. Mr. Thorne, as I understand was set to make payment to a certain company (the details of which I'm keeping obscured for both laziiness-related and privavy-related reasons) and, instead of simply abstaning from sending a payment, sent in his drawing of a spider, which he valued at $233.95.

Unfortunately, Mr. Thorne's drawing was rejected and, after a long exchange, the issue was settled through some other means (of which I will not mention for the reasons I said earlier).

The story, however, does not end there. The famed picture was put up for bid on eBay for the amount of $233.95. Surprsisingly, the picture was bid on and sold. Even more surprising was that the winning bid was $10,000. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Anyway, here's the original exchange with Mr. Thorne and the representative of the company to which he owed money. http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html

Of course, with the wonders of the Interwezbz, I put it right here also.

Note: And of course, the internet hates me and part of the conversation is cut-off. Just go to the link if you still want to read it, it was too long to put on here anyways.

-Nick O'Malley

Generic Holiday Extravaganza! Oh crap, there are other holidays:

Before my friend Sami yells at me for not mentioning her winter holiday of choice (not that she reads this), it's time to put all of this in a broader perspective.

First, I really don't care what people say when I think of it this way. For me, it's Christmas time/tree/season. Sorry to all of those who celebrate other holidays, but American culture is so dominated by Christmas that it really doesn't make sense (for me at least) to identify this time of year than with the flagship holiday, which Christmas is.

In my defense, without Christmas, would the entire month of December (and most of November and, in some cases October) be dominated by these holidays? I don't think so, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa don't carry their weight like that.

I'm not trying to bash other religions (though I'll still get yelled at for it). You can call it whatever you want, that's cool. Can I just not get yelled at for it? In all honesty, though, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa don't really get a fair fight in this.

Hanukkah: Poor, poor Hanukkah. It's really not fair that tis holiday gets matched up against the grand spectacle of the Christian calender. In baseball terms, it's like the Jewish team's number four starter (we'll go with Carl Pavano) got matched up against Christianity's ace pitcher (Josh Beckett, so at least someone knows who I'm talking about).

It'd be nice to look at late December as a collection of the biggest holidays that different cultures have to offer; but, Hanukkah, Christmas' only real competition isn't even the most significant holiday (paling in comparison to Yom Kippur and Passover) for a group that is dwarfed by the Christian majority.

Kwanzaa: Ok, I'm sorry to anyone that celebrates Kwanzaa. At the time of writing this sentence, I have no idea what Kwanzaa is about, nor does anyone that I've asked. It is for this reason that is gets brushed to the side so abruptly and, in some cases, falls behind Festivus in the holiday pecking order. Hey, more people have seen that Seinfeld episode than know what Kwanzaa's about.

But, by the time I write some sentences further down, I hope to know what Kwanzaa's about.

We all know that, with about five minutes of research, we could find out exactly what Kwanzaa is about. But, if you're like most people I know, that five minutes is utilized in much more productive ways: Facebook, sleeping, stupid flash games...

However, I am willing to make that time commitment to research such a topic when I really should be studying for finals. So, here's a quick rundown of what Kwanzaa is.

My initial research has shown the following:

Wikipedia: “Kwanzaa is a week-long holiday celebrated throughout the world, honoring African heritage, marked by participants lighting a kinara (candle holder). It is observed from December 26 to January 1 each year.

“Kwanzaa consists of seven days of celebration, featuring activities such as candle-lighting and pouring of libations, and culminating in a feast and gift giving. It was created by Ron Karenga and was first celebrated from December 26, 1966, to January 1, 1967.”

Simple enough. But it sort of just sounds like an imaginary African Hanukkah. Let's delve deeper with some investigative reporting.

Kwanzaa.com: “This holiday is observed from December 26th through January 1st. Again its focus is to pay tribute to the rich cultural roots of People of the African Diaspora. Though first inspired by African-Americans, many of African descent celebrate this occasion today. Its reach has grown to include all whose roots are in the Motherland.”

Well, that makes sense, sort of like a “we're awesome” day like Independence Day, with less independence and more awesome. Not that a lot of independence is acknowledged July 4^th, it's mostly getting drunk, eating burnt hamburgers and watching your town's funding explode in mid-air.

Not that we've got the basics down, what does the word “Kwanzaa mean?”

From Believer's Web:

“The word "Kwanzaa" itself is man made. It is derived from the swahili phrase "matunda ya kwanza" which means first fruits. Karenga's history has it that the extra "a" was added to represent the seven children that were a part of his organization, (US Organization) as each child wanted to represent a letter of Kwanzaa. (Kwanzaa: A Celebration of Family, Community and Culture, pg. 108.) “

Okay, so what have we learned? Kwanzaa is a seven-day long holiday created by Dr. Ron Karenga during the off week between Christmas and New Year's that celebrates those of African descent and includes the lighting of candles as part of the ceremony.

We cool.

Now, to put this all in context, aren't there candles everywhere during the HanaChrismaKwanzukah time of year? There are two out of the three holidays that incorporate them and people continue to put of the Christmas-based tree and call it a holiday tree. Put up some candles and call them holiday candles. Or, if people actual wanted be truly politically correct and incorporate all of the holidays, get a tree and put a menorah and a kinara with it. Wouldn't that actually look cool?

I just want my tree back...

-Nick O'Malley

Christmas Extravaganza! It's Science!

Seeing as how the Collegian has shut down for the winter, it looks like we'll have to generate content somehow, a challenge that I am more than willing to take up while I should be studying for finals. You just have to make certain sacrifices in the the name of journalism.

Anyway, I will be attempting to provide Chrismas/Holiday/Winter/Boredom-based content over break in order to keep up some sort of activity on this site. And here's what you have to look forward to:

-The messages your gifts give

-Why it's a Christmas tree

-The anti-gift

-Christmas Day Live Blog! It's some sort of journalistic breakthrough... somehow.

Whatever, without further ado, part one.

Christmas Extravaganza! A gift tells a person just how you feel:

The Ornament:

Congratulations, you don't care about this person. The tree ornament says "I don't know what to get you, but I assume you have a tree, take this." You most likely bought this at the 7/11 on the way to a Christmas party because you got that person you don't know in secret Santa. With your luck though, this person is actually Jewish and you'll become the biggest ass in the room.

Don't be that guy (or girl).

That Ornament up there, by the way, has been banned from the White House. According to the Washington Post, that ornament, presented to the White House by one of the artists chosen to create an ornament for the White House Christmas tree (one artist from each state is selected to create one).

Long story short, it's a pro-impeach Bush ornament and didn't go over well. Merry Christmas.

The Coffee Mug

Bought at a convenience store on the way there, good job. Well, you know (or assume) this person drinks coffee or will at some point before next Christmas (when someone else gets them a coffee mug).

Much like the ornament, this would have been much more useful, you know, the day before, so they could've put the ornament on the tree when there was still space on it or made coffee in the morning. But they'll have one next year!

The Gift Card:

You either have no imagination or know this person well enough to know that may shop at Target at some point in the next six months. It at least has some use and can't really go wrong. That is, of course, assuming you didn't give someone the above card. Whoops.

Okay, let me as one question. Why is money not a proper Christmas gift? You can get gift cards and certificates (if you live in the 90's) but you can't get straight cash (homie). It just doesn't make sense. You get money, whether in cash or check form, for birthdays, bar mitzvahs, graduations, first communions, and confirmations; but, you never get money for Christmas. This is stupid.

Alcohol:

1: You got this for an underage person. You've broken the law, but you are also the coolest person in the world in that person's mind. You also need to rethink your gift-giving because this person most likely got the same thing last weekend and will vomit in your back seat.

2: You got this for someone of legal drinking age. Unless it's really nice wine, this is equivalent to getting someone a really nice 2-liter of Pepsi.

The Funny T-shirt:

Well, you got someone a t-shirt. It's either A) actually funny or cool or B) is terrible and is a waste of underprivileged child labor in Indonesia. Good job.

The Computer, Laptop, TV, or Video Game Console

There is a god!

The Terrible Video Game/Movie

You hate this person. Why... why would you do this?

Ok, you apparently know that this person likes video games, movies, or whatever; but, you didn't take the five seconds out of your life to find a decent item. Seriously, google.com, "most popular new video games," "good new movies," "books that don't suck."

My aunt did this to me once. I never told her about it. Sorry auntie.

-Nick O'Malley

The Hell That is Finals Season

As you struggle for a seat at a computer in the lower deck of the library, battle group members for that final project that you've been pulling your hair out over and plead with teachers to extend the deadlines of that dreaded 20 page paper, try you best to remember one thing - you'll be able to shower yourself in the holiday season soon enough.

But in the meantime, it would be in your best interest and in the interest of others to do the following:

1. If you're using a computer at the library and you see people scouring the technological terrain for a free computer, be reasonable. When people who are desperately trying to get work done on one of the available OIT computers because their personal computer is flaring up with more viruses than Pamela Anderson or has been taken offline for the infamous "copy right violations," there is nothing worse than waiting for the group of hyena sounding girls to free up their computer that's been Facebook for the past 45 minutes. Rude.

2. If you have a big group project or presentation, show some team effort. Sending in your part of the assignment a half an hour before it's due is borderline reason enough for getting your car keyed. It's understandable that you have other work and commitments to attend to, but so does everyone else in your group.

3. For your own self betterment during this Dante's Inferno of a week, keep yourself in good condition. You want to be a well oiled machine for the fast track you're heading down. Although you think it's near impossible to catch up on sleep, make sure you get as much as you can. Even if it means a cat nap on one of the couches in Bartlet or in the lower dungeon of the Campus Center, every little bit counts. Also, as much as stress can take away even the more fierce of appetites, try to give your bod something to run on other than coffee. Also, it's beneficial to take the time to rest your wary mind in between cramming knowledge into it's every crevice and the 20 minutes or so it's takes to have a good meal is a great opportunity to take that break.

4. Possibly the hardest thing to remember during this killer time is to breathe. Getting yourself worked up over grades, time management, and work load are usually superfluous worries when it's crunch time. Do what you can, when you can and at the best of your ability. Lots of people (including myself!), spend more time worrying about what they have to do rather than doing it. It's only a disservice to yourself (and to the ulcer that is most likely growing in your stomach) at this point to focus on what you can't control.

5. The best thing (in the world, ever) when you're stressed out is - of course - a back massage. Bribe anyone and everyone to rub the stress-laced knots out from your back and in return, give them a little back love. Sitting at a computer screen all day staring at endless pages of black and white is torture on your spine. The relief that you feel after you've been pampered a little is the best. I also recommend ample amounts of chocolate (or chocolate's lusty subordinate, if you're so inclined) before or after a massage. It's the icing on the cake, really. (That was slightly dirty, oh well)

All in all, I wish you all the best of luck in your academic endeavors. I hope you're successful in keeping your head above water while still maintaining a good sense of happiness.

~Leigh Greaney

On the Worm and Its Host

Well, it appears that my column yesterday generated a fair helping of controversy among the campus Muslim community. Good. I hate it when people nod and smile.

Upon attending the Arab Student Club's coffee-house last night (which I apparently shouldn't have done according to one commenter on the Collegian's website) a member of said Muslim community (not naming names, but a really cool guy) explained to me the error of my lack of clarity. Apparently quite a few people think that I've reinforced, or at least left open to reinforcement, the stereotype that all Muslims are terrorists.

So here's the corrections. I will explain my precise views upon the relationship between Muslims and terrorists. Also, I don't write those stupid headlines; my original headline was just "Oh Shit Mumbai", since when a terrorist attack actually happens there's really nothing more to say than "Oh shit". Also, "the Ramallah"? There's only one Ramallah; it's a city in the West Bank.

First, however, I'd like to ask a question: Does any person worth taking seriously really think all Muslims are terrorists?

Anyway... the precise relationship of Islamic terrorists to Muslims is that of a parasite to its host. The host (Muslims) exists independently of the parasite (Islamism, or Islamic Fascism), but the parasite cannot live without the host. Specifically, Islamist groups rely upon having a population of socially or economically oppressed, and preferably uneducated, Muslims from which to recruit.

A modern Islamist group tends to arise and maintain its existence for a mix of two reasons. Firstly, an established Islamist regime like the Shia government of Iran or the Wahhabists of Saudi Arabia may seek to exert influence over a population. Secondly, a population in a Muslim area perceives itself as having been invaded by a foreign power or occupier, as in Iraq (which really has been invaded and occupied by a foreign power), "Palestine" (which has been counter-invaded by its natives, who then proceeded to construct an idiotic military occupation...), or Lebanon (where there was an invasion and occupation, but it ended). Thus, Islamist groups are characterized by religious-fascist ideology based on the imperialism of the earliest Muslims and by recruitment/self-justification using the "resistance" and "revolution" rhetoric of 20th-century Communism (which actually fools many Western leftists into siding with Islamists on Middle-Eastern politics to this day). Most importantly, these groups rely on a steady stream of new recruits due to the way they tend to have their established mujahadeen (deliberately) die for the cause. This means that some Muslims somewhere, usually near the regions in which jihad takes place, must support the terrorism for it to continue. "Death to the infidel" may not be the slogan of all Muslims, but it is most definitely the slogan of a noticeable segment of the Middle-Eastern (and Pakistani) Muslim populations defined by their willingness to fight or materially aid the stated goal of expelling the Western and Jewish occupiers from what they think are Muslim lands.

Note that phrase: "stated goal", because of course Islamism only has one true aim: to establish for its own leaders an empire in the Middle East and traditionally Muslim regions of India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh from which those leaders can wage a megalomaniacal jihad to convert the entire world to Islam or the state of dhimmi (subjugation to Muslim rulers) at the end of a gun. Hell, oftentimes those same leaders are too stupid not to say that outright and spout it off to the whole world, and the Mumbai terrorists hunting down a Chabad House to attack in India certainly belies this true motive.

Now we return to the genuine point of yesterday's column: almost the entire world Muslim population has caught on to the lie. Not only are the more traditionally moderate Muslims opposing terrorism, the host populations who used to send their sons to Islamism have begun opposing it. Iraqis wish for a third choice in the false dichotomy between Islamist "resistance" and American occupation. While Hizballah has succeeded in making Lebanese culture more religious, a recent article in the New York Times says that the secular people have not had any very substantial restrictions placed upon their own lives and everyone resents Hizballah's bringing the IDF back to Lebanon. Even in Palestine, Islamism is going out of fashion in favor of old-fashioned Palestinian nationalism, because people see with their own eyes that Hamas haven't made life better for anyone except their own higher-ups. In the Arab emirates where enough money can buy any sin, it never stood a ghost of a chance. And in America, where biting prejudice forces incoming Muslims, like all new immigrant groups to America (yeah, we all went through this guys... the Jews, the Mexicans, the Chinese, the Japanese, the Indians... the hicks always hate you for your first generation or so in the country... it'll get better!), to quickly Americanize themselves, I've met Muslims who have no almost no conception of how Islamic terrorism can legitimize itself, because these American Muslims grew up entirely around other peaceful Muslims.

Last weeks terrorist attack in Mumbai killed almost 200 people, but they may yet also kill Islamism itself. Muslims don't want to be oppressed by religious dictators any more than they want to be oppressed by the American military (and accompanying mercenaries and oil-company employees), and now even those who once supported Islamism in the name of liberating themselves can quite clearly see that religious oppression is the fruit of Islamism, not a more free Muslim world.