Christmas Extravaganza! It's Science!

Seeing as how the Collegian has shut down for the winter, it looks like we'll have to generate content somehow, a challenge that I am more than willing to take up while I should be studying for finals. You just have to make certain sacrifices in the the name of journalism.

Anyway, I will be attempting to provide Chrismas/Holiday/Winter/Boredom-based content over break in order to keep up some sort of activity on this site. And here's what you have to look forward to:

-The messages your gifts give

-Why it's a Christmas tree

-The anti-gift

-Christmas Day Live Blog! It's some sort of journalistic breakthrough... somehow.

Whatever, without further ado, part one.

Christmas Extravaganza! A gift tells a person just how you feel:

The Ornament:

Congratulations, you don't care about this person. The tree ornament says "I don't know what to get you, but I assume you have a tree, take this." You most likely bought this at the 7/11 on the way to a Christmas party because you got that person you don't know in secret Santa. With your luck though, this person is actually Jewish and you'll become the biggest ass in the room.

Don't be that guy (or girl).

That Ornament up there, by the way, has been banned from the White House. According to the Washington Post, that ornament, presented to the White House by one of the artists chosen to create an ornament for the White House Christmas tree (one artist from each state is selected to create one).

Long story short, it's a pro-impeach Bush ornament and didn't go over well. Merry Christmas.

The Coffee Mug

Bought at a convenience store on the way there, good job. Well, you know (or assume) this person drinks coffee or will at some point before next Christmas (when someone else gets them a coffee mug).

Much like the ornament, this would have been much more useful, you know, the day before, so they could've put the ornament on the tree when there was still space on it or made coffee in the morning. But they'll have one next year!

The Gift Card:

You either have no imagination or know this person well enough to know that may shop at Target at some point in the next six months. It at least has some use and can't really go wrong. That is, of course, assuming you didn't give someone the above card. Whoops.

Okay, let me as one question. Why is money not a proper Christmas gift? You can get gift cards and certificates (if you live in the 90's) but you can't get straight cash (homie). It just doesn't make sense. You get money, whether in cash or check form, for birthdays, bar mitzvahs, graduations, first communions, and confirmations; but, you never get money for Christmas. This is stupid.

Alcohol:

1: You got this for an underage person. You've broken the law, but you are also the coolest person in the world in that person's mind. You also need to rethink your gift-giving because this person most likely got the same thing last weekend and will vomit in your back seat.

2: You got this for someone of legal drinking age. Unless it's really nice wine, this is equivalent to getting someone a really nice 2-liter of Pepsi.

The Funny T-shirt:

Well, you got someone a t-shirt. It's either A) actually funny or cool or B) is terrible and is a waste of underprivileged child labor in Indonesia. Good job.

The Computer, Laptop, TV, or Video Game Console

There is a god!

The Terrible Video Game/Movie

You hate this person. Why... why would you do this?

Ok, you apparently know that this person likes video games, movies, or whatever; but, you didn't take the five seconds out of your life to find a decent item. Seriously, google.com, "most popular new video games," "good new movies," "books that don't suck."

My aunt did this to me once. I never told her about it. Sorry auntie.

-Nick O'Malley